Love Me Still
by StephyMarie
Summary: The is the beginning to an alternate world for Monica
1. Part 1

  
  


Love Me Still

  
  


All right, here's some drama from Steph :p, Unrealistic, but hey, most are! :p I think it's original, but maybe I missed a fic that was about the same thing, so this was not meant to be an idea taken from someone else.

  
  


Disclaimer...I don't own anyone! :p

  
  


Monica looked up at the clock in front of her gazing eyes. It was one minute before midnight. Usually in ones life this didn't matter. The minute between one day to the next was just as normal as toast in the morning, but this was different for Monica. It was a known fact to Monica that her life before was crashing into the ground. Not even realizing how or when or even the signs for that matter. She had grown up in the middle class of this world. Her parents always had enough money, and she was always content with the financial background. What wasn't she happy with? Well, that was something she was not allowed to think about at the moment. Through her one year stay in this place, in this bed, with these people, she had finally understood the term or phrase some may say of, moving on. She just had to think that everyone had their rough moments in life, and that sometimes you have to accept it and forgive yourself. Well, forgive herself? Maybe that was a bit extreme, but accepting was something that she had come to terms with. Monica looked up at the same clock once again. It was midnight. The day that she had been wishing for all year was here, and now, it was going to be hard to leave. Monica stood up went to the small oak wood desk that was placed near the window of the little room she stayed in. She sat in the chair and carefully crossed her legs. Closing her eyes, she let out a sigh filled with emotions of relief, sadness, happiness, and the list went on. Slowly, placing her delicate hand on the desk, she felt it. Just sliding her hands along, reminding herself of the feelings in this room. Finally, she opened her eyes that were not at all ready to be closed for bed time and picked up her journal below her. The journal was a light shade of green with a pink artistic border. The writing on the cover only said journal. It was plain, no life to it. Only the words inside brought life to it. Carefully, she opened the book to the first page and focused her eyes on what she had written._ Day 1, February 15th, 1991.... It's my first day here, and I hate it. This was all my fault; I had let_ _everyone down and look where I am now, here. In a place filled with strangers with the same problem as me. _Monica took her eyes from the page, and let her memory slide to the first say. . .

****

"Name, please," The receptionist said as if it were just an impulse.

"Monica Geller." she had said feeling nervous. The atmosphere was hard to adjust to, so the idea of staying for a long period of time had made her scared. Who would she meet? Would she make friends?

"Monica, ok, I need you to fill this out. You will ne staying in room 33 on the third floor. Oh, and I remind you that you do live with someone else, so you will have to adjust. Enjoy your stay!" The woman said the last phrase sarcastically which again frightened Monica.

"Ok," was all that Monica could and would attempt to say to this woman. She was obviously bitter working in this place, but then again, why wouldn't she? Monica began to fill out the papers; they were just routine for a record for that center. Maybe, a routine check of who they were dealing with. Monica couldn't smile at this. Everything was different. When finished, she got up and handed the paper work to the woman behind the desk. "Done," It was something simple and direct to say, but this small word said so much.

"Great! Here's your key, and you have everything you need I hope.."

"I do," Monica replied.

"Good, for now, just settle in and maybe get to know the place, and the people because you will be seeing a lot of them." The woman said as though she had it memorized. "Now, go, I have work to do."

  
  


Monica turned her head away from the desk and forward into this small world. She couldn't help but feel depressed about being here; she knew it would help her, and then she would be able to start over again, but being here would be hard. Finally after climbing the stairs, she made it to the door that would open her new living arrangement. She took a second to compose herself, and after let her hand turn the knob, and the door was open. What she saw inside surprised her a little. Two beds with light blue sheets, two desks, two night tables, but only one closet. That was going to be interesting. One part of the room was personalized, there were photos, posters, a small radio, and bags in the corner. Her roommate was tidy; that was good for Monica. Monica walked to her bed and sat on it feeling the comfort from it. There was no comfort; not that that surprised her of course. She stood up and began to unpack her belongings; now personalizing her side of the room.

"Um, who are you?" a voice from behind her asked.

"I am Monica, your new roommate I guess," Monica replied as she studied this person. She looked so healthy Monica thought, but then again a lot of people do. 

"I have a roommate!!! You know, I was the prom queen in highschool! I should get better treatment!" The girl shouted out of frustration.

"Uhh... look, I got put in here; I didn't choose it." Monica replied in defense.

"No one does. Isn't that the beauty? I am Katherine, but everyone calls me kat here. Well, actually whore, but they don't know any better! So what are you in for?"

"I uhh.." Monica started nervously.

"Oh hey! It's ok to be ashamed. I was a heroine addict myself. It's funny that I can just say it, but being here forever has really helped me."

"Oh, well, I hope it helps me." Monica started, "I guess I was , in a way still, a cocaine addict."

"Oh, coke...That stuff is nasty."

"Don't I know it? I still can't believe it sometimes." Monica confessed.

"You don't seem like the kind of person into drugs. I bet you have a long story for me, but now, let's turn on the music!!" Kat excitedly went to her and played Closer to Free by the Bodeans. "Come on Monica, smile! This place seems rotten at first, but it can get better."

Monica couldn't help but smile, "Ok, I guess I can smile, but just for now."

"Oh, I understand!" Kat laughed and Monica joined her.

****

Suddenly, Monica's mind came back to reality and this was just a memory. A good memory, but still just a memory. Katherine was one of a kind. She was quirky, but strong and extremely realistic to her future. She was real, and because of that Monica would never forget her. Even if she tried. Feeling a bit stiff from sitting in the chair, Monica moved to her bed and looked over at the other side. It was empty. No emotion, just a bed and a desk. It's funny how the room's optimistic look was gone.

She tore her eyes away from the room and back to her journal.. _Day 2.. Today I met Chandler..._ She stopped reading at that first line because that one line said enough.

  
  


The end of the first part. It's dramatic I know, but I am taking a stab at it. This is just the beginning, and I have a lot of ideas for this series.. Tell me what you think so far! If you think it's Like Girl Interrupted, it's not supposed to be! :P This was short, but you know me, I can get longer! :p This is just the beginning...

  
  
  
  



	2. Part 2

  
  
  
  


"Monica Geller?" A man asked while looking down at the record on his oak wood desk. That was neatly organized and was kept well cleaned.

"Umm, yeah, that would be me." Monica frowned. She didn't like this place one bit for it was too quiet and pale. People were serious because everyone in this facility had a battle to fight, and not a simple one. One that would take will power and determination. The way Monica saw it was there was no room for fun. You had to be alert and cautious of your surroundings. You had to trust everyone with your problems and your plans which was a difficult thing to bring up at any time. Talking to complete strangers was different. People may like different, but not Monica. Monica liked normal.

"Great!" He smiled. " I am Dr. Bing, and I will be you're one on one councilor for your stay here." He smiled once again, As if he were cheery or jolly. It was upsetting to see because it was not real. No fight is chipper or happy; it's hard, gloomy or whatever negative adjective one could think of. Maybe the worst out there. 

"What do you mean one on one councilor? I think I'll be happy doing this alone, thank you very much," Monica argued. She didn't want a stranger assisting her in something he knew nothing about, and that was her. Sure he was an expert in his field, but he was not an expert on her, and her life. 

"Mam, the reason you are here is to be helped. You are reaching, and what we do is grab on and help." Chandler said as if it were second nature. He had heard it all.

"Well, I would rather tell my problems and fears to someone who is not all chipper! Someone that would just be real, but I guess that's impossible." Monica commented. Life was full of fake people, and under that, fake surroundings. She wished for once that this place would be more realistic.

"Monica, in order for you to get better, you need to rely on someone, and that someone will be me." He said filled with confidence. She was a tough one, but not the toughest.

"What if I reported that I didn't like you?" Monica asked wanting to win this tiny battle but knowing she would lose.

"Then they would match you with Dr. Jonas, and you wouldn't like him." Chandler replied, not smiling or frowning: emotionless.

"What tells you that?!" Monica asked in defense. How would he know what she liked?!

"First of all, he's a hell of a lot more cheery than I am, and twice as fake. Does that answer your question?" He asked with a bit of emotion in his voice. She wasn't going to be easy, but he would help her like he did with everyone else.

"Ok, then I guess you're right..." Monica admitted hating that she lost. "So what's your first name?" She added.

"Why does that matter to you?" He asked.

"Is it always why with you people?! I just wanted to know your name!" Monica snapped. This, she hated.

"It's Chandler. Are you happy now?" He asked. It wasn't a sarcastic question like a normal person's reaction would be; it was more of a question of concern.

"No," replied Monica truthfully, "it doesn't change a thing."

"You're right, it doesn't. Look, Monica, this is your second day here, so I am not going to get into many aspects of your life right now. We have a whole year for that. Right now, why don't you tell me why you think you are here, and we'll work from there."

"I have an addiction to cocaine. . ." Monica said with tears forming in her eyes. It wasn't easy for a "good" girl to admit she has been bad.

"Well, no need to worry. First I want to welcome you here; you will now become a part of a family with people just like yourself. Bed time is set for eleven pm, so we can make sure all of our..guests are sleeping well. You will all be waken up at 7am for a breakfast served in the hall like you saw this morning. Group therapy is from 10am-12pm, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. You and I will be meeting twice a day for talks and medication. You will not have to quit cold turkey, that is not our purpose. I have some medications that will control your addiction as well as your withdrawal symptoms. At 7o'clock tonight, I will take you for an outdoors tour, and in the meantime you can settle in, meet some of the others, and have diner. Are we clear?" Chandler said finally wrapping up his forever long speech.

"I think so. So, I am basically going to be seeing a lot of you?" Monica asked with a tiny smirk on her face.

"Yes, is there a problem, Mam?" Chandler asked professionally.

"No, No. . .it's just, what if we don't like each other?" Monica asked with a bit of a smile on her face.

"I guess we would have to deal with that if the situation occurred." Chandler replied again in a professional manner.

"Could you please call me Monica, and talk like a person? I don't want to think you are creepy if I have to share my life story with you."

"I am sorry Mam, but I am under oath to stay professional."

"Why is that?" Monica asked even though she knew the question was a little stupid.

"No emotional involvement."

"Let me get something straight. You get to know everything about me, and I get to know squat about you?!" Monica was not in favor to this idea.

"Precisely!" Chandler smiled. "Oh, visiting hours will be from 5pm-7pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. So if you have a boyfriend, husband, children..."

"No, I don't have any of those.." Monica replied not to keen on the subject of a husband and children at the moment. "Hey, wait a minute, is that your way of asking me if I am single, Dr. Bing?" Monica smirked.

"Uhh, no actually. I always say those first because when I say parents or siblings, I get the attitude of "what about my husband?!" so now I just come out with it." Chandler smiled.

"I still think you were hitting on me. Which wouldn't be good considering the rules.."

"Ok, Miss Geller, I think we are done here for now, so I'll see you at 7." Chandler said as he escorted her out of his office and sighed. He was NOT smitten by a patient; that was not possible. Standard procedure, that's all that it was; standard procedure.

  
  


Monica walked into her room smiling for the first time since she was put in here. Maybe Chandler- correction- Dr. Bing wasn't so bad after all. Plus, he was young and very attractive. His light blue eyes sparkled in the lights, his smile was one that made everyone smile along with him, his body language was relaxed, and he was professional but caring at the same time. She enjoyed that. Enjoyed that very much.

"I see you met Dr. Bing," Katherine smiled at the expression on Monica's face.

"How did you know?" Monica asked curious to how Katherine could know what she was thinking about.

"Every girl that stays here has a crush on him. Even the married ones." Katherine sighed. "He's amazing"

"Well, I wouldn't say amazing, maybe snotty and smart ass would cover it." Monica interjected. She didn't have a crush on him. He was a doctor that she knew nothing about. Cute or not. "So what's the scoop on him anyway?"

"And you don't like him! Well, from what the girls and I have cracked he's single, lives around here somewhere; no too far from here. He drives the nicest car!"

"That's all?" Monica asked bewildered. That's all they knew?!

"Well, yeah. He's very protective about his personal life. That's probably what makes him the sexiest." Katherine smiled.

"The mystery?"

  
  


"Of course!" Katherine replied grinning. "You are so lucky he's your councilor! I have stupid Dr. Jonas," in a fake voice, "I am doctor Jonas, so do you have a problem, let's talk about it. I have a pickle stuck up my ass, but I enjoy that! Let's talk about your life journey to drugs!" Katherine ended her impression with a crazed laugh. Monica laughed along! Katherine was...something!

"Journey to drugs?! It's not like we were expecting it to happen!" Monica defended. Mostly herself, but it was true; what happens, happens.

"Well, the thing is there is always a pattern or a path. That your life is going in the wrong direction, and they work on finding that one path to know how to correct the drug problem." Katherine grinned. Monica still had a lot to learn.

"Well, that path is not for everyone!" Monica defended.

"Oh, come on Mon..can I call you that?" Monica just nodded at the question, "There is always one wrong decision that you make that leads to another bad decision that leads to another. It's a pattern of wrong. That's not an official name, but Dr. Jonas enjoys it."

"It's not for everyone! Anyway, how can you be so cheery? Look where you are." Monica said missing her home.

"This place grows on you. Give it some time."

"What if I don't want to? What if this doesn't work?" Monica frowned.

"I thought that too. Everyone has doubts when they first come here."

"How come you are here? You seem so.." Monica started.

"Normal? I was prom queen, I was popular, so I was pressured into smoking some weed, and from there, I just enjoyed the high and always wanted a new one. Heroine gave it to me." She then shows her scarred arms to Monica. "I still have to wear a long sleeve shirt because what I did to myself was torture. I would wake up in places I didn't know, and I would hurt the people I love. I became an insane addict," Her eyes tear a little. "It came to the point where I almost killed my brother. It was a dark night, I had just, you know, and he was in the lane way, and I was driving in faster than I should, and I hit him! Running over his leg and hitting it head. He was only 7, and I hurt him. I guess from there, I knew I needed help. I have tried so many other places, but nothing work, but this place, it has. I have been clean for two months, and that makes me feel happy. I pride myself on changing my life."

"Oh my gosh, oh Katherine," Monica embraced her, "You should be so proud of yourself."

"My family comes and visits me every Wednesday, with my little brother who is now 11, and in a wheel chair because of me, but he comes to see my improvement." Katherine finally said before crying bit more. "I can't believe I did that to him. Four years of trying to break this damn addiction for him, and I feel like I can do it."

"Hey, well, you have your family's support, and that's what counts. My mother won't ever come by, she is beyond disappointed in me, and my brother Ross is still getting over the shock. My friend Rachel from high school promised to stop by every chance she could, but she isn't happy with me either." Monica said looking down, but not crying. She felt more anger than tears. They could at least try to care and help her improve.

"So you are all alone?" Katherine asked.

"I guess I am. Hey, look it's 5 o'clock.; supper time!" Monica announced to her roommate trying to change the subject. She didn't feel like getting into her life at the moment. Not until she was ready.

"Yeah, it is. We should hurry before they serve us cold mush!" Katherine smiled as they walked out of their room and into a room where Monica would be forced to meet many others.

  
  


"There's Dr. Bing looking so hot!" One of the girls said while passing Monica. Monica couldn't help but turn her head and watch him. He was sitting at an employees section eating with some of the nurses. He was smiling and chattering. He looked amazing! The way his mouth curved, his eyes sparkled, his little nose twitch, how he ran his hands through his hair... He was probably the only cute guy she would see for a while, so she may as well enjoy it. Was it a crush? Maybe a tiny one, but more for looks. His attitude was marked a C. He turned over seeing Monica looking at him, and waved at her. Because of the embarrassment of being caught staring Monica turned around, took her food, and sat at the nearest table! "Hey!" she said to all the perplexed faces, "Mind if I eat with you?" They all just smiled and went back to their food.

"So what's your name beautiful?"The one guy flirted.

"I am Monica," she smiled. Flirting was ok.

"I am Jake! Nice to meet you. This is Jenny, Kirsty and Roxy," He introduced while pointing to the other girls beside him.

"Hey," They all greeted simultaneously.

"Hi," Monica said again.

"Who were you trying to get away from?" Jenny asked.

"Oh, no one," but when Monica looked up, she saw Dr. Bing right by her said.

"Hello, Dr. Bing," The three girls grinned.

"Hello Ladies. Monica right? I know I am a little early, but would you like that tour? I do have to leave a little earlier tonight." He said smiling at the other girls awkwardly as they played with their hair and smiled.

"Um, sure, that would be ok." Monica got up, left the table, and walked out of the hall with all the girls watching her an Dr. Bing. "Is it always like that?" Monica asked in shock that every girl would have feelings for one man.

"Well, seeing as I am the youngest doctor here, I guess I have to get used to the attachment of patients to their doctor."

"Can we not talk all professional text book talk? How can they just like you?" Monica asked.

"They don't know me, and it is kept that way. Women like mystery for some reason." He said normally for the first time, it was a theory and not a fact.

"Everyone seems so normal here. No withdrawal symptoms or addiction problems." Monica commented sadly observing that she was the only one that felt sick and misplaced .

"Oh, well, you haven't been here long. We have medication to help the desires and side effects like I mentioned to you before." He stated.

"So everyone is cheery?" Monica asked not liking the idea.

"No, so people will be able to be themselves. This is more than a Rehabilitation Center; you find out who you are here, and that's why people come here."

"Aren't you supposed to show me around?" Monica asked changing the subject. Why did he have to be nice?

"Chandler!!" A voice yelled! "Dude!"

"Joey, what are you doing here?!" Chandler asked through clenched teeth. 

"Who's this?" Joey asked.

"This is a patient of mine... Monica. Monica, this is my FORMER friend Joey," Chandler said angrily with a little sarcasm.

"Don't be so rude, Man! I came to tell you that the girls will meet us at the restaurant at 7:30" Joey informed.

"Joey, this could have been discussed in private!" Chandler said again trying to give Joey a hint to leave.

"Ok, man, don't get all emotional! I'll see you tonight! It was GREAT to meet you Mon..uhh...Mon..."

"ICA!" Chandler finished and pushed his friend away. "I am so sorry about him! He has the tendency to be weird."

  
  


"You have a date?" Monica asked. "That's why you made this earlier..."

"I am so sorry. Joey has been trying to set me up for years. He seems to think I will turn gay if I don't get laid; like I told you, he's a little different." Chandler said trying to save himself even though knowing that he had just went against the ruled and revealed some of his life.

"So the professional doctor is blowing off his patient to get laid?!" Monica asked in disbelief.

"It's not like that. It's just a double date, and the reason you are here is not about me. It's about you, so can we please not discuss this?!" Chandler pleaded.

"I can't even look at you right now; let alone talk to you! I thought you were different Dr. Bing!" Monica after yelling that out, stormed away from him and back to the building.

Chandler could just rip off Joey's head! He was SO close to making progress with her, and now, he would have to start all over again by winning back her respect.

****

Monica lay back and thought about what she was feeling that day. Was it jealousy or overestimating a man?! To this day, she still couldn't think of a logical answer. She kept reading on... _I miss my room, I miss my bed, I miss my family, I miss my friends. I hate it here! I want a fixing so bad, like I can taste it, and I can't. I am going out of my mind! No one here can help me! DAMN Chandler and his stupid double date! I hate him! But, I will have to tell him everything. What a life, and this is only day two.. What's next?_

_***_

After finding out how real Chandler was, Monica tucked herself tightly in her bed and cried...She couldn't stop it...it wouldn't stop...it got to the point where she would hiccup ever ten seconds or so, but the tears wouldn't stop. She felt they never would.

  
  
  
  


Well, there is not a lot of interest in this series so I am not sure of a continuation. I do have many more ideas, but I have school coming and it's a busy year so I am not going to write it just because I want to. People have to want it. And if you hate it, go ahead and tell me. If you liked it even better!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Part 3

  
  


Monica put her face into her pillow hoping to settle down, but that was not possible. The tears were endless. They dripped from her face quickly and were always creating more. What was this? She slowly sat up and looked over at Katherine. There she was sleeping like a young infant, and Monica was crying like one. When her tears finally slowed down, the muscles in her body began to shake. She was cold, she was angry, but she didn't care about anything. Was that causing her anger? She couldn't control it. It was as if a beast was trying to break through her body, and it wouldn't stop until it was free. The feeling got stronger until there was no longer any tears only rage! 'Family doesn't care' was what was in her mind. Monica stood up and through a picture of her family against the wall. The glass shattered into pieces like Monica's heart. The shaking turned into small spasms. "What's happening?" She whispered repeatedly praying this would all end. Carefully, something tapped her shoulder. It was Katherine.

"Monica. Calm down; it's going to be ok." She whispered into her ear and hugged her. "It will be ok," she repeated.

"What's happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" Monica asked again in tears.

"I don't know.. I don't know.." She repeated that as if she was repeating it for herself. Who would create a chemical that would lure people to take it and become addicted just to make them feel sick? This world was cruel; and certainly this was one of the cruelest.

"It's gone," Monica said finally feeling no emotion.

"What's gone?"

"That feeling. It's gone..." Monica repeated happily, but knowing this wasn't the end.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't feel anything."

"Go back to sleep, Mon. Talk about this to Chandler tomorrow."

"Ok," Monica replied doubtfully. Talking to Chandler was not what she wanted to do. Talking to him would just bring this back.

  
  


Monica sat in Chandler's Office the next morning waiting for him to come him. It was about a half an hour before he would arrive, but since the door was open, she thought she would wait for him. So there she sat; her legs crossed. The right leg over the left leg. The right leg twitched in nervousness, but it didn't bother Monica for she stopped caring. Why had she stop caring? She woke up pale. Looking like a zombie but not one emotion hit her. It was as if she wanted to look like a zombie. The thick black rings under her eyes with pale white skin, her eyes blood shot from lack of sleep, and her smile; gone. This wasn't her. Monica just sat there as still as she could, but of course she was still twitching. Nothing would end this. Finally, the door opened.

"You're early," He said with questioning eyes.

"I know." Was all she could say. She kept her eyes in focus of the filing cabinet and made it a goal not to look at him.

"Monica, I apologize about yesterday. Joey is my best friend, and sometimes he thinks he can just come into this part of my life and mesh it with the other part of it when that is not possible. The reason I was leaving early was not for the date, but my mother was in town. That was the date, and Joey just made it more than that because he feels he needs to impress people." Chandler explained hoping this would help gain the respect. Of course it was a small white lie, but that's what he had to do.

"You're mom? Why do I not believe that?" Monica asked icily.

"I am so sorry for that. If I could do anything..."

"This is not why I am here. I don't care. You could have had sex with 15 woman last night, and I wouldn't give a damn!" Monica replied rudely.

"Ok, then why are you here?" He asked in a small whisper.

  
  


"What's happening to me? I...I got into a raging fit last night for about twenty minutes and then I wake up this morning after two hours of sleep, and I don't care. I stopped caring. About life, about my family, about the people here, about my friends, about everything..."

"How long has it been since you last had a fix?" Chandler asked curiously.

"A few days."

"This seems like your first extreme withdrawal symptom. It's very likely to be feeling this way if you don't take coke as you normally would." Chandler informed her.

"Look, I understand that, but I just feel so empty..." Monica admitted. "It's like when I don't think I can feel worse, I prove myself wrong."

"Monica, did what happen yesterday affect you? Because sometimes it can take one emotional stress to break out. Especially being on the edge of your emotions like an addict usually is."

"Chandler, what is going to happen to me?" Monica asked still feeling no emotion.

"We can't tell yet, but I do know that you will be fighting this and not completely alone." Chandler assured.

"No, I am alone here!! My family just threw me in here and abandoned me. I don't have anyone." Monica told him looking down at the floor. She wished that they would care.

"You have me." Chandler said softly.

"No, I don't have you. I have your medical background. All of your facts and all of your theories. It's a lot different than an emotional involvement." Monica felt that he would probably argue this, but his "crap" wouldn't work on her.

"Monica, you have to understand that I am a professional. And saying that I want to be your friend or that I will be there all the time, would be wrong to say, but off the record, you amaze me, and I think that spunk that you have within you, will fight this. When it comes down to it, this is your battle. You may have shoulders to cry on and others to yell at, but when it all comes down to it, this is your fight, and you are the only one that can win it." Chandler said keeping in mind that she was feeling worthless. He couldn't make her feel like a queen, but he could at least warn her of what's up ahead.

"You're right. Look, can we cut this short? I really want to just try and sleep." Monica asked a little frustrated.

"Ummm..yeah, that's fine. You need your rest." He said as she was leaving, "Oh, and Mon, I know this is completely unprofessional of me to say but, if you do want a friend, I would be happy to oblige." Chandler smiled knowing he just contradicted himself, but this was what she needed more than anything. Just a friend. 

"Does that mean I'll get to learn about you?" Monica asked with a tiny smile on her face.

"Maybe, but this will be our secret." Chandler warned.

"I like secrets. I'll see you later Dr. Bing." Monica smiled. What just happened there?

"Not if I see you first." Chandler grinned. Monica had let a small laugh out and left.

****

Monica looked back on that moment remembering it in every detail. It was their first meeting where she finally felt confident that someone actually did care, but of course at the time, that was not what she thought. Monica kept reading and remembering her beginning at this place.

****

Monica walked into an empty room feeling a bit better than before but still not perfect. She finally realized the difficulty of this fight, and for the first time, she was thankful Chandler was willing to help her through this. She slowly slid into her bed and pulled the sheets to her shoulders. Softly, a small sigh came from her, and she found a comfortable position. Once she did, she closed her eyes. They were heavy like her body felt, but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was drifting to Dr. Bing and his efforts. She wanted to push it out of her head, but she couldn't. She couldn't sleep. She stayed in bed for an hour, her eyes half shut and her breathing rapid. Nothing would let her sleep. She was tired, but she wouldn't sleep. Finally giving up, she stood up and marched into Chandler's office. When she opened the door she revealed Chandler talking to that Joey character. "I can't sleep!..hey Joey."

"Hey Monica! I remembered your name!" Joey grinned.

"Oh, Joey can you excuse us?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, yeah man! We'll talk later!" Joey said while standing up.

"He can stay." Monica cut in. "I want him to."

"You do?" asked Joey. "Oh, I get it. You can't get enough of the Joey-man."

"Joe!" Chandler warned.

"Ok," he said while taking a seat in a chair and offering the other to Monica. She smiled politely and took the seat.

"I can't sleep. I tried, but I can't." blurted Monica.

"Well, why can't you sleep?" Chandler asked concerned. He knew this was normal that insomnia was a normal withdrawal effect, but he wondered if Monica knew that.

"I keep thinking about all of this. About you and about this place. It gets to the point where the thoughts won't leave and then I am wide awake!"

"You're thinking about Chandler?" Joey smirked.

"Not like that Joe, right?" Chandler asked.

"Well, no not anymore." Monica admitted. "I mean, I did at the beginning, but that's normal because all the girls here want you, but that was nothing." rambled Monica.

"All the girls here want him?!" Joey asked surprised. Monica just nodded. "Whoa, Chandler's a stud! Dude, this is HUGE!"

"Joe, maybe you should wait outside." Chandler suggested.

"No," Monica interjected. "I want him here."

"Why?" Chandler asked suspiciously.

"Because, then I can learn more about you." Monica smiled. "I have a lot of time, and it looks like you do too."

Chandler just gave Joey a look telling him to make an excuse and get out. This was wrong and Chandler couldn't do this. At least not yet.

"Oh, look at that. I have that Audition to go to" Joey winked at Chandler, "I should get going. See ya!" With that, Joey quickly made his way out of the office leaving Monica and Chandler alone.

"Why did you do that? I saw him wink." Monica asked a little angry, "Do you not want me to know you at all?"

"Monica, you have to look at this in perspective. The fact to you met a friend of mine outside of work goes against the rules. You are the only one that has met him." Chandler looked down not wanting to let his personal side inflict with his professional side.

"I'm sorry. I guess I am just asking too much wanting to know you. You are the doctor and I am the patient, I should have known," Monica said sadly.

"Oh hey! No, it's not that. Joey won't help you get to know me. He'll just ramble about some new 'chick he scored with'." Chandler laughed and to his surprise, Monica did too.

  
  


"Then why are you friends with him?" Monica asked smiling.

'He's a great friend, and I am lucky to have him. It's hard to make close friends when you work at a place that takes up all of your time." Chandler admitted.

"Then why do you do this?" Monica asked.

"Because this is where I belong. I worked in data processing for a year, but psychology was my major, and I found this place, and here I am." Chandler said.

"So you actually like working here?" Monica asked.

"Well, it's not an easy job, but it's rewarding. I one time helped a young girl who was forced by her older brother to try crack cocaine. Which as you know, it's either you get your fix or you die, but when she came in here, she was 13 years old, and she made it through. Now, she is 15 and for two years has stayed away from drugs. It was a heartbreaking story, but it proves that anything is possible."

"How long have you worked here?" Monica asked; he was interesting, This made her like the councilor, but at least she was becoming a lot more comfortable.

"Two years; she was my first patient. Maybe that's why it's the most rewarding. She fought like no one I have ever scene in all my two years here." Chandler explained. "I am not supposed to be telling you this," he smiled, "but being friends and all. . ." he smiled.

"I was young too when I started. At the time, I didn't know what I was getting into, but looking back, I think I was an idiot." Monica opened. Finally, she thought. Finally she could talk to this man and not feel awkward.

"How old were you?"

"I was 17 the first time." Monica admitted, "I was never popular, so I never had a lot of peer pressure. I used to be fat, and then some guy called me fat, and I finally took that as a sign to lose weight."

"So you feel that your weight affected your decisions?" Chandler asked.

"Of course it did. Wouldn't it affect everyone?: Monica asked.

"Well, that would depend. Everyone thinks differently, but I don't disagree with you at all." Chandler said calmly. He was happy with this.

"I guess it all started when..." Monica began.

"Dr. Bing, you're 11 o'clock appointment is here. . ." A secretary from what Monica could tell, came in and announced. 

"Oh, I guess we'll have to continue this later," Monica said while getting up.

"I am so sorry Monica. I could ask them to wait. . ." he suggested.

"No, no, they deserve your time as much as I do." Monica smiled, "Bye."

"We'll talk later!" Chandler tried telling her, but it was too late, she was gone.

  
  


Monica walked into her room to find Katherine and a few others holding brushes singing Barry White's 'Can't Get Enough Of Your Love". They were all singing and laughing. All dancing in their own way and just enjoying the fun. Katherine waved Monica over. "Come on, Mon, grab your brush and join in!" Monica smiled and shook her head. Oh, why not she thought. She quickly picked up her brush, and was dancing with the others. 

_Darling I, can't get enough of your love, baby. _

****

The journal page read. . ._ Things are looking brighter._

  
  
  
  


To be continued. Well, this may be the last one I write before school starts next week. I have another one that I have been trying to finish forever that I may attempt to post this weekend, BUT no guarantees. Tell me what you thought of this one. Feedback helps. :)


	4. Part 4

  
  


Monica for the first time that she had stayed here, had been swept with happiness. She was happy, and that made her feel stronger. Like a warrior that was more prepared for his battle than any of the others. The one person that always talked to the younger ones about important issues and was always an inspiration. She felt inspired. It was like all the positive emotions that had hidden from her body had reappeared stronger than they ever could be. Her body was the shield to her emotions and not the shield was not damaged. It was hard to explain, and even Monica's thoughts confused her, but she couldn't help what she was feeling. As her and the others finished the last verse to Can't Get Enough of your Love, they all laughed and grinned. They were having fun. A lot of it. Maybe that was the feeling Monica was having. This was fun. Soon, the fun ended when 2 strong knocks form the door were heard. "I'll get that," Monica smiled. "Chandler?"

"Hey, I knew you'd be here. I re scheduled the other appointment. I would really like to continue our talk." Chandler said with hope in his voice. He was getting to her, and nothing would stop him from finishing that. Nothing!

"I uhh, I guess we can do that." She said in a faint whisper. "Hey, Girls, I have to talk with Dr. Bing." She yelled out, and then left with him. "Why now?"

"We were getting somewhere Monica. I couldn't just throw that away," he explained as they continued walking down the white depressing halls. Passing by angry nurses, and scared patients.

"It's weird, you know? Me being here. I was always the good girl." Monica commented as they finally made their way into his office.

"Good in what way?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, you know. Always getting high grades and being sweet to everyone I could be."

"What changed?" Chandler asked as they both took their seats.

"It was thanksgiving, and my brother brought a friend home with him, who at the time I really liked, but now I can't remember him at all." Monica realized. It was weird. She could have sworn she knew him.

"You can't remember him?" Chandler asked.

"No, I had gotten really drunk that night. My friend told me I was throwing up, and having small seizures. I woke up the next morning not knowing anything. Not remembering a lot." Monica admitted.

"You got drunk?" Chandler asked bewildered.

"He called me fat, and I had gotten so depressed that I ran out of the house. I remember a lot of crying and then some guy offering me a drink, and I took it. My friend Rachel had found me sick and had tried to take care of me. She was afraid to take me to the hospital because my parents and their reaction." Monica was now in tears. It had been the first time she had done that, and it had scared her best friend to death.

"So then this leaded to drugs?" Chandler asked.

"Not really. I was so angry at myself that I had spent the year dieting. I went on diet pills, weight watchers, joined the gym. Anything I could do to look normal. Because if I at least looked normal, all the pain would go away." Monica looked down as she said this. She was ashamed.

"It didn't, did it?"

"Of course not. It lasted a week, I think. I was happy to be thin. Anyone who was fat would be, but then I saw that guy again. He looked like a freak, and I still don't really remember him, bit I remember a white suit. I wanted to get him back for calling me fat, so I started to hit on him, you know, to make him think I wanted to have sex with him. Boy did that go wrong. I ended up dropping a knife on his toe, cutting it off." Monica explained sadly. This was hard to say.

"You cut off his toe?" Chandler asked, "Oh, you cut off his toe...." Chandler had finally realized something that he never thought could happen. "You're brother, his name is Ross?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" Monica asked surprised.

  
  


"The documents," Chandler lied. "So, you don't remember much about this guy at all?"

"My mom didn't like him. She called him the boy that hates thanksgiving, so that's when I made him some other food."

"Mac and Cheese," Chandler whispered. Oh, this was out of the books and on Neptune.

"What?" Monica asked not quite hearing what he said.

"Oh, nothing! So this incident, what happened after?"

"That was the night where everything got turned upside down, I guess. It wasn't all my fault."

"Oh, look at that! That's all the time I have today! Monica, we'll have to continue this soon!" Chandler said trying to get out of this. "Oh, maybe you should talk to Dr. Jonas!" 

"Chandler, you have a lot of time. You said all afternoon. It's barely been fifteen minutes. What's going on?"

"I don't think I should be your doctor," Chandler admitted.

"What, but you were so eager to talk to me? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, No, of course not. It's just that umm... maybe I am not qualified." Chandler lied.

"Yes, you are. What's going on?" Monica asked.

"Monica, I... uhh. Oh, God. I just have to know. If you saw this guy, what would you say to him?"

"I, uhhh, I don't know. I blamed him for so long for this. That it was his fault for everything, but it's mine isn't it? I had a choice not to go to New York and find him to say sorry right?"

"You tried to find him?" Chandler asked. She never made it to him.

"Why are you so weird about this? Is it my openness?" Monica asked wondering what his problem was.

"No, of course not. This is amazing! I think Dr. Jonas would be happy to hear this story. I am not the right doctor for this." Chandler admitted, and it was not completely a lie.

"I thought you were my friend. Obviously my story means nothing to you. I guess I misjudged you again! Thank you so much for your help Dr. Bing!" Monica yelled sarcastically as she went to the door. "I guess friendship is something that can't come out of a book." After saying that, Monica made her way out not forgetting to slam the door. 

Chandler just sat back, and closed his eyes. He would have to tell her. Maybe this was what she needed, or maybe it would tear her apart. He didn't know.

  
  


Monica stormed into her room tears streaming down her face. Why was it that no body cared? The one person that had kept her sane didn't care. Her life was worth nothing. It never would be. Was this fight really worth it? She could end it now, and make everyone else happy. They wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. And she would be free, but then again, she would lose, and that wasn't Monica. No matter what it was, Monica had to win, and this was no different. She had to win for her family and for her friends. She had to win for herself. She thought she had to win for Chandler, but now she wasn't so sure. Monica sat down on her bed and stared at the picture on her wall. It was of her and Rachel smiling and hugging. Monica just looked at the picture of when she was normal.

"Monica!" A voice from behind the door called out. "I am coming in."

"Go away." Monica said.

  
  


"I am so sorry about before Monica," Chandler apologized, "but once you know the truth, then you'll understand."

"Pffft! Like that could happen." Monica said still looking at the picture and not him.

"Does the name Chandler Bing sound familiar?" Chandler asked hoping for a response.

"Yeah," She said, "it's your name."

"No, from the past. Try to remember."

"Ummmm, doesn't ring a bell. Why? Should it?" Monica asked perplexed. Why was he doing this?

"Ok, fine. We'll try another approach," Chandler said while taking off his shoe and sock. "Look at my foot."

"Why would I want to look at your foot?" Monica asked. "It's a foot, no different from the rest." Monica said while turning her head toward him.

"Look at it. Please." He pleaded.

"Yeah, ok, so you are missing the tip to one of your toes. Big deal." Monica said.

"Think back to thanksgiving." Chandler said.

Monica looked at his pleading face and back to his foot confused until it hit her. It not only hit her, but it punched in the stomach, put a bullet through her heart, and pushed her roughly to the ground. "You're..." She gasped, "I.."

"Yeah, I am that guy," he said while putting his sock and shoe back on. "Odd coincidence isn't it?

"It was you. It was YOU! I can't believe this! You're here, and I am here, and I oh wow! So is Dr. Jonas good?" Monica asked. This was shocking, and weird, but for some odd reason it fit.

"Yeah, but I think I am gonna stay your doctor here. Maybe that will be best."

"Best?! I spent years hating you. Wishing you were the one addicted to drugs and ruining your life!!! And now you want to help me through it!? I don't think so! I think you should leave." Monica yelled. This was not what she had expected.

"I am so sorry," Chandler said. "I guess I'll leave." Chandler opened the door and walked away leaving Monica in tears.

Before Monica had any time to react to all of the overwhelming news she had been given, there was a soft knock at her door.

I know this one if short; I didn't have the time to actually write as much as I wanted to so think of it as a cliffhanger. This is kind of where the actual story starts. If you think it's dumb, you are not alone. The writer agrees 100%, but it's a way to get away from all of the stress in my life. I have an idea for another story, but maybe I should finished the ones I have started.. Please review this because it's good to get feedback.


	5. Part 5

Wow, I wrote part 5 to this series after like a year! So my guess is no one is really that interested. The truth is that I got inspired to write it last night, so I put some idea together and boom! This one may seem a little melodramatic, but all dramatic fics are, so I am following the trend. Please tell me what you thought. Feedback helps the writer know if there is any interest. So read and enjoy.

Disclaimer- I don't own the Characters.

  
  


Chapter 5

Monica was still by the desk flipping through the pages of her journal. She winced when she came upon this day. Day 5- the hardest day here so far.

***

Before Monica had any time to react to all of the overwhelming news she had been given, there was a soft knock at her door. Monica, still weak from her conversation with Chandler, literally crawled to the door. Her legs had gone numb to the point that when she would stand, immediately, she would fall to the ground like a baby still learning to walk. Reaching up to the knob from the floor was a complete struggle for Monica. Everything was crashing down. Her life- well, what life? Monica used her weight to turn the knob. When she looked up, she saw one of the nurses standing before her smiling slightly. "Can I help you?" Monica asked still on her knees. She felt she was struggling, at this point, just to live. 

"You have a visitor," The nurse replied simply; although, it was evident by the way she looked at Monica that she was concerned.

"I do?"Monica asked surprised and immediately stood up. She didn't fall like before. The word "visitor" gave her strength. It was odd, she knew, but someone wanted to see her. Who was it though?

"Yes, this person is downstairs now. Shall I show them up?" The woman asked.

"Yes, please." Monica pleaded. It wasn't meant to be a plead; however, she was desperate to talk to someone who didn't feel they "understood" her. She was sick of being an open book to the people around her.

Minutes passed as Monica waited impatiently on her bed. What boggled her mind was that she had no clue who was going to walk through that door. As Monica analyzed in her mind who it may be, the door opened and a person who Monica had not expected walked in. "Mom!" Monica gasped in surprise. Why was she here?

"Hello, dear," greeted Judy obviously uncomfortable about where she was.

"Why.. Uh.. Why are you here?"Monica asked nervously. The last person she had expected to see was her mother. How many daughters actually say that? Everyone should expect their mother's support, but Monica did not. She got the disapproving mother who only cared for her older brother.

"Dr. Bing called me a few days ago requesting I come to see you," started Judy who could not even look her daughter in the eye. She knew that if she did, she would give her daughter a look that would tell her she hated her for all of this. She, in fact, did not hate her daughter. She hated what her daughter had become.

"He did, did he? Look, I don't want your pity or your help. You obviously don't want to be here, so you can just leave."Monica told her mother; however not in an angry voice. More of a depressed and solemn voice.

"Ok, I'll leave," Judy said looking away. She was not ready to handle this. Seeing her daughter so distraught so helpless was too much for her to absorb. Her own daughter had become a "junkie", and she could not handle that. After stealing one more look at her depressed daughter's figure, she quickly walked out of the room and shut the door.

When Monica stood up, she felt dizzy. All she wanted to do was to take her drug one more time. Only one more time. She wanted to erase this pain that was flowing within her- erase her memories. She wanted to, for once, feel that high again. Only one more time. "I have to get out of here," she mumbled to herself. She wasn't wanted at home and she wasn't wanted here. Escaping was the only solution. She would find people who could love her or at least try to.

She walked out of her room with a fake smile on her face hoping that anyone who she would come in contact with, would be fooled. They would think she was great. She continued to walk down the halls still smiling. Everything was spinning, she felt dizzy but she was determined. She fought the sickness that was lurking in her. She kept walking, smiling. When she looked behind her, she saw Chandler. She sped up trying to lose him. He was the last person she wanted to look at let alone talk to. But when she sped up so would he. Was he on to her?

Monica made it outside. He was no where in sight, so this was her chance. When no one was in sight, she ran to the fence. She was tired, her breath was getting shorter and her heart was pounding. But again, she fought those feelings. One more time, she repeated to herself again. One more time and all of the pain would vanish.

Finally, Monica made it to her destination- the gate. She quickly climbed over it making sure she was not being watched. No one was in sight. She was over, free. She was finally free from the place that claims they try to help people when they only further hurt them. Free from the man that was the reason she ever got into this mess. Was it his fault? Probably not, but she would blame him because why would she blame herself?

Monica continued to walk down the street towards the city. She knew exactly where to go to make all of her pain go away. It was now a half an hour later and Monica was in front of a beat up apartment building. A through her head were the three simple words: one more time.

"Monica!" Someone called. But who?

Monica turned around and saw who was calling her name. His figure left his car and was walking toward her. "Monica!" he called again.

"Chandler, get away from me!" Monica yelled.

"No! I will not let you do this to yourself!"Chandler yelled back. Damn being professional! He had to stop this girl from making the same wrong decision again. This time, he had the power to stop her. Or at least he hoped that he did.

"Do what to myself exactly?!" Monica screamed in anger.

"Hurt yourself! Every time you turn to "this" for help, you are killing yourself. Killing who you are or want to be!" Chandler yelled back.

"What?! You have got it all wrong. I am making things better! I am going back to where I was wanted and loved."

"But you are not wanted or loved here! You are a pawn to the drug and the dealer! That's all! He doesn't care about you!" This was becoming harder.

"What do you know?! You don't even care about me! My mother doesn't care! My whole family pretends like this never happened! I have nothing!"

"That's not true! They want to see you get better! The want "Monica" back! Not what this drug has made you become."

"What do you know?!"Monica interjected."You don't know me or my life. You just stand there pretending you have me all figured out and you don't! I need this." Monica yelled again while turning towards the door.

"No, you don't. You think you do, but you don't. You mom left the centre crying. Crying because she didn't know what happened to her little girl. She cares, Monica. She cares a lot."

"No, she doesn't!" Monica cried. "My whole life, I have been second best to her. If I wasn't alive she wouldn't care as long as she had Ross." 

"That's not true!" Chandler yelled hoping to get some sense into her.

"Yes it is," Monica cried softening. The will power that she had was gone. "No one wants me," Monica whispered.

"I want you," Chandler whispered while putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me,"Monica said while looking away from him. "Please, just leave. Let me screw up."

"I won't let you do this to yourself. You are better than this." Chandler told her softy.

"No, I am not. I am not better than anything. All I want is all of this to stop hurting. I want it all to go away."Monica stated with tears softly making their way down her flushed cheeks. "I am so weak."

"No, you are one of the stronger patients I have ever had. Please, don't give into this urge. Please come back."

"I hate you."Monica whispered to him while letting her body sit on the pavement. 

"I know," Chandler said while sitting beside her. "I hate me too."

"Good, you should." Monica pointed out.

"You can blame me all you want, but it won't change a thing." Chandler also pointed out. He was only the bait in this. The reason she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He didn't know how or when she turned into this, but he never meant for that to happen to her. He never meant to hurt her.

"I know. It's all my fault. It's just.." Monica started.

"Easier to blame someone else, I know," finished Chandler while looking into her eyes. "Please come back,"he begged.

"I don't know if I can,"Monica told him and started to cry. "I have ruined it."

"No, you haven't. You hit rock bottom, yes. Now, it's time to bring you back.

"What if I can't come back?" Monica cried."What if.."

"Don't do that. Don't wonder. Monica, you have to take this one day at a time, and I want to be there for you. Even if I am not your doctor anymore. I want to make this all up to you." Chandler stood up, "come on," he said while taking her hand in his and pulling her up on to her feet. "Let's go back."

"Ok,"gave in Monica still holding his hand. "I'll go back."

Chandler, happy that she had agreed to return, hugged her tightly. To his surprise she not only hugged him but she cried in his arms. Chandler held her, stroked her hair, rubbed her back. He did whatever he could do to console her. 

Monica, finally pulling herself together, looked up at him. His arms still around her. She looked into his eyes and saw concern but she saw something else to. Something she could not comprehend. 

Before either could back away, something brought them together. Desire. Desire to be in each others arms, to lean on each other. Both began to tilt their heads together awaiting the inevitable. Their lips grazed each others, but that wasn't enough. They again went in for another kiss; this time their lips coming together, nibbling, kissing until Chandler's mouth opened. Now, their tongues were intertwining. Again, the emotion that was being passed through their bodies was desire. The kiss began to heat up; both could not stop. 

They had pulled away in shock when they had realized what was happening. Chandler just looked at Monica and her facial expression mirrored his own. How could something so wrong feel so good? 

"We can't do this," Chandler finally said slowly, wishing he didn't have to.

"I know. I know," Monica repeated as if she were trying to convince herself how wrong it was to want him.

"You're supposed to hate me," whispered Chandler- his arms still around her.

"I know," Monica again replied. "What now?"

"We go back and start over," Chandler replied.

"Ok, but before we start over, why did you follow me?" Monica asked.

"I care about my patients," Chandler replied, stating the obvious.

"That's the only reason?" Monica asked.

"Well, yeah," Chandler smiled. "Why did you listen?"

"Have to do what the doctor tells me," Monica smiled and the two walked toward Chandler's car.

***

The last line of that journal entry read. Thank you, Chandler.

TBC

Btw- the story is just beginning now. *winks* :p

  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Part 6

Ok, I am going to talk about this chapter a bit before I start. For starters, it should be rated R for the ending. I am just warning you about that now. Also, the first few chapters have been a lot nicer compared to the kind of stuff I will be getting into. This chapter is still ok. Umm, I haven't said this before, but I should say it now. I have never done drugs or anything close to it, so this is a mix of feelings I have seen around me and some research, so if it's not right on then I apologize. It's fiction. 

  
  


Chapter 6

  
  


When Monica got back to the centre, to the familiarity of her new home, she felt reluctant to be there because she was going back to the place that had made her unhappy. Although, who is happy when in rehab? Monica had spent the next three hours in bed wondering about the future. Wondering who she was. Cocaine had erased her spirit, her fire. She had turned into the person she had always feared and dreaded and for what? Why did she do that? Honestly, she could not think of the why answer to this question. Only the how.

Monica slowly got out of bed and gazed out the window. Night. The stars glistening in the sky each representing the good in the world. Monica was not a shining star, and she didn't know if she would ever be one. She glanced over to the moon. Full, bright, noticeable. All that she had lacked. That sky that every person looked at every night was telling her clearly that she was a screw up. Monica then looked away. But where's her sign that things will look better? Just then, a shooting star made it's way through the sky like it was winking at her. There was her sign. She now needed her will power.

She then looked down to where life was. People walking around, talking, smiling, laughing. They were being normal. Her attention then turned to a man walking to his car. She looked closer at his figure, his features; however, he was too far to see. 

"Monica?" Katherine asked sleepily.

"Yeah?" Monica responded while turning around to face her sleepy roommate.

"Why are you up?" she asked.

"My stomach began to bother me, so I couldn't sleep," answered Monica casually as if it were nothing.

"Oh, well, just don't throw up on my stuff," Katherine stated while yawning. She then went back into a deep sleep softly snoring.

All of a sudden, Monica's stomach was no longer mildly bothering her, it was hurting her like she had never felt possible. Her craving for coke grew stronger. Usually, this was the very time she would have her first intake of her drug; therefore, every night at this time, she struggled, yet tonight it was worse. Shooting pains had now began to bother her. Her body was shaking; she was sweating. Quickly, she ran to her bathroom vomiting all she had eaten to the point of exhaustion. She was weak again, so she fell asleep with her head resting on the toilet seat of an un flushed toilet. 

Morning came shortly, birds were singing, chirping happy to be alive. The light was pouring into the room making itself known. Monica awoke with an awful taste in her mouth. She looked down in the toilet and groaned in disgust. While flushing the toilet, she stood up using the sink to hold up her weak body. Looking in the mirror was like a horror movie, disgusting. Her hair was stringy and out of place. Her face was flushed and her eyes had rings around them.

When ready, she walked down the halls and towards a wooden door. She knocked on it almost pounding it to death. Chandler opened the door and simultaneously, a look of concern came upon his face while staring at Monica.

"Hi," She greeted softly. "I had a rough night."

"I can see that," Chandler replied. "Come in. We have to talk."

Monica did as she was told because she knew they had to talk. Talk about her life, about what happened. "Yeah, I know." Monica nodded while taking a seat.

"I guess we should start by talking about what happened yesterday. I want to know why you ran away from here."

He had turned back into doctor Chandler, she thought. Ignoring the fact that they had kissed passionately. As if she was yesterday's story. "My mom came," started Monica, "and then she left before we even had the chance to talk. You told her to come. She didn't even do it herself. It hurt," Monica explained sadly.

  
  


"Why did she leave?" Chandler asked while sitting on the corner of his desk maintaining eye contact with her at all times.

"I told her to," Monica said. "I told her to leave because she didn't want to be there."

"Why didn't she want to be there?"

"Because she hates me," Monica explained with tears streaming down her cheeks. "I was always second best to my brother, and she was waiting for this. She was waiting for a reason to hate me, and she found it."

"Tell me about your relationship with your mom." Chandler demanded softly.

"She nit picks. She would say, 'Monica, you are fat' or 'be more like Ross' or even 'You will never be anybody if you don't be more like your brother'. She always put him up on this pedestal, and I was just on the grass."

"Do you think that led to your use of drugs?" Chandler asked.

"No, it didn't. I.. It caused me to do some stuff or say some stuff.." Monica started slowly, "to her while I was high that was rude, but she was not the reason."

"What was the reason?"

"Umm," Monica started, "it all started when you went back home with Ross. I never really got the chance to say that I was sorry or to even explain, so I hopped on a train to go see you in New York."

"Yeah.." Chandler encouraged, for he could see this was hard for her.

"When I got to the campus, I realized I didn't know where you lived, so I went to get your dorm number. Ross never wanted me there."

"Then what happened?"

"I got your number, so I went up to your room, and I knocked on the door. No one was home, so I went to leave, but..."

"But.." Chandler again encouraged.

"This guy stopped me telling me there was this party for Chandler cause he hurt his foot, so I followed him there to see you. I was really upset because I felt terrible, and this guy left the room then came back and said that he was your great friend, and that you had given him some 'medicine' to make me feel better. Being naive and pressured, I took it. It turned out to be coke, and I was hooked right then and there."

"Wait a second, I didn't even know you were there..." Chandler reminisced.

"You didn't?" Monica asked shocked. "You mean for all of this time that I blamed you, I was wrong?" Monica asked.

"Monica, I was in the back whining about my toe to Ross. I didn't see you come in or leave, and no guy ever came up to me." Chandler explained.

"Oh, I don't know what to say," Monica chocked out.

"Don't say anything," Chandler assured. "I want you to tell me why you took it. What made you say yes?"

"I wanted the pain to go away, and I thought it was from you, my brother's friend." Monica explained. "I didn't know what it was, but when he told me that it had to sniff it, I knew something was wrong with it, but when I took it, all of my inhibitions no longer mattered. The high was unbelievable. I had so much energy, and I felt alive for the first time in my life. I needed it." Monica again explained. 

"I am so sorry that you were pressured like that. Especially on my behalf."

"Me too," Monica cried, "I was this good sweet girl. Then I started hanging out with people who had coke, and I changed. I became this mean and vicious person- someone I thought I didn't have the ability to be, but I am not ready to talk about that right now."

  
  


"That's ok. Did you take cocaine daily?" Chandler asked deliberately changing the subject. This would all have to be on her time.

"Twice a day, and on weekends, maybe more. I grew tolerant to it fast, and I needed it all of the time to feel alive."

"I see. Did you experiment with other drugs?" asked Chandler already knowing the answer to this question.

"Yes," Monica admitted while looking away.

"Daily?" Chandler asked.

"No, only a few times at some parties, but I didn't like them as much."

"What did you take?"

"Weed, shrooms, ketamine..maybe others." Monica again admitted while avoiding eye contact.

"Ok, so then explain to me your addiction to coke."

"It was the one thing that loved me or so I thought. It gave me energy. It made me sick at some points, but overall, it was there for me." Monica explained not really knowing if her choice of words fit, but it was the best she could come up with.

"I notice with a lot of patients that their drugs seem to be like an assurance. They would always have them to turn to." Chandler commented.

"I guess it's like that. I mean, it at first made everything great. It would take away the hurt from my mom, people liked me more because I was more outgoing. I thought this drug was more of a helper than anything else."

"Right," Chandler agreed, "I see that the reason for your addiction to this was more than a one night thing, Monica. You were looking for an out from what I can tell when you explain your relationship with your mom. You were naive, unsure of what it would do to you, now after all of that "good" it brought, you ended up here," Chandler repeated showing her his understanding of who she was and then he continued, "I think this was a great session. We are getting somewhere," smiled Chandler relieved. Yesterday she was a mess and today she strong.

"Can I ask you something?" Monica asked.

"Sure," Chandler replied looking her in the eye.

"Can I die from this?" asked Monica shyly.

"No, usually patients, when getting through the beginning, can make it to the end. Compared to other street drugs, coke has the less life threatening withdrawal symptoms. It's never easy, but you know that already." Chandler pointed out.

"Good. So, it's normal to feel sick?" Monica asked innocently.

"Very. I would be scared if you weren't feeling sick," Chandler laughed. "To help you when you feel sick, you should take Popranolol. I can't give it to you yet, but the nurses would have some to give you. It will help," Chandler added.

"Ok, Thank you," Monica said while standing up. "Chandler?"

"Yeah?" he asked, looking her curiously.

"One more thing. About that kiss," Monica started, "should we talk about that?"

"I think it was just a momentary thing," Chandler lied uncomfortably. The truth was that he was very attracted to this woman.

"Then why did it feel so right?" Monica asked and quickly walked out leaving Chandler stunned. She didn't want any technical terms about how fighting on a street led to kissing. 

  
  


****

Monica looked back onto that moment and smiled. She had finally opened up to someone at that point, and she left him stunned. Could a day get any better? No, it could only get worse, Monica remembered. A lot worse.

****

Monica walked into her room smirking about what had just happened in Mr. Bing's office when she saw that Katherine's side of the room was no longer tidy-it was a mess. Papers ripper, shattered glass, mutilated stuffed animals. Something terrible had happened. Monica heard noises coming from the bathroom; however, she couldn't tell exactly what it was. When she entered the bathroom it was as if time had stopped. Katherine, sobbing while looking in her reflection was getting ready to cut herself with the razor blade. "Kat, stop," Monica yelled as loudly as possible. Kath then turned around and looked Monica in the eye.

****

That was it, Monica thought to herself. Her roommate had ended it. She had ended her life without even thinking about it. 

***

Monica ran the body that had just fallen in front of her and screamed. It was too late. . .

  
  


TBC 

Ok, that quick ending is there for a reason, and you will learn more about Kat in the coming chapters and why that happened. Things happen fast when you don't see them coming. This story is going to be a lot more disturbing in the next few Chapters as we learn more about Monica's life. That's kind of just a warning. Sorry, this chapter kinda sucked. Ah well, please review and tell me what you thought. 


	7. Part 7

  
  


Wow, how long did this one take?! Hahaha. Sorry, I get so caught up in my life that I forget to continue writing this. I won't lie, some people may find this chapter a little boring at first. It's one of those.."ok, let's drag out the storyline" things. This is to wrap up what happened in the last chapter and to finally get this story focused on Monica's life. :)

Chapter 7

  
  


That time in Monica's life was surreal, dreamlike. No one ever expects the people around them to lose all faith in life, especially a person who was filled with it. The thousand dollar question was "why".

****

"Oh my God! KAT!! Somebody help!!!" Monica screamed, tears flooding her face. "PLEASE!" Monica then turned toward her friend's body, "Oh, Kat, please.. Please be alive!!" Monica quickly felt for a pulse: there was none. "NOOOOO!!!!" Monica screamed once again. "Noo," she whispered; this time softly while placing her head on her former friend's body.

Finally, some of the nurses had entered the room with agitated expressions on their faces. Monica spoke up, "She's gone, dead."

"Oh my Lord," one of the nurses whispered while holding her chest. At this point, both Chandler and Jonas had run into the room wondering why there was so much commotion. Chandler was in fear that possibly he had lost Monica, but when he saw her on the floor, he was somewhat relieved; however, not for long. Katherine, one of the most determined patients, had ended it. It was unexpected.

Chandler ran straight towards Monica and tore her away from the lifeless body. "Come on, sweety," he ushered soothingly.

"She's gone," Monica replied through sobs and collapsed into Chandler's arms.

"I know," he whispered, "I know."

"I am not surprised," Dr. Jonas had finally commented.

"What?!"Monica yelled. How could he know?!

"It was coming. We'll have a memorial for her. Right now, let's get her body out of here. Monica, I suggest you stay in another room," the man ordered emotionlessly.

Everyone had cleared out, leaving Monica and Chandler alone. Monica, staring at the bathroom where it all had taken place. Chandler, staring at Monica concerned.

"Chandler, why was Dr. Jonas saying that he saw this coming?"Monica asked slowly.

"I don't know," He replied looking down into her eyes. Those hurting eyes.

"I miss her," Monica cried once again. She couldn't help it. It was all so overwhelming.

"I know, sweetie," Chandler replied, hugging her. "But, she's happier now."

"Chandler?" Monica called out.

"Yes?"

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Oh, Mon, I don't know. . .I mean, we're not supposed to, you know.. I-I," Chandler stuttered. It was no use, making a complete thought was impossible.

  
  


"I know. Sorry, I asked. I just need someone, you know." Monica stuttered, sobbing into his arm. She couldn't take this. 

"Look, I'll check to see if there are any free rooms for you to stay in, and if there are not, you can...I don't know." Chandler couldn't invite her over. If anyone had found out, he would surely be fired.

"Chandler?. . .Can you.. can you stay with me? I don't know if I can be alone right now. It hurts so much. All I want to do is visit Freddie and make this all go away. Sure, it would only be for a few hours, but I want it. I don't want to want it," Monica explained; her voice, weak.

"All right, follow me," Chandler commanded, giving into her plea for help. They had walked straight to his office where there was a couch for Monica to rest on. "Here we are. . ." 

For the entire night, Monica slept on the couch occasionally whimpering in her sleep. Chandler sat in his chair, watching her. He couldn't sleep. Out of the years he had been working here, this had been the seventh suicide. Every time, it was so much harder to deal with. They always did everything they could to show the "victims" that it is possible to get through this terrible tunnel. Sadly, some could only make it half way. Chandler turned on the radio beside his desk. Ironically, "When a Man Loves a Woman" played. Chandler looked back at Monica; he didn't love her, right?

****

Monica read about that night in her journal. "I wasn't asleep when I heard the song blasting on the radio. I could also feel his gaze on me. Well, not feel. . .I kind of opened my eyes to see him looking at me. He cares about me. I know he does. I think I am falling in love. . ."

****

The next few days had gone by quickly. People had been sobbing and looking to each other for comfort. Many hugged, shook hands. The atmosphere was dull and depressing. Everyone walked slowly. Most had red eyes or were crying deeply. The question that had raced through everyone's mind was why. No one really know.

People filled the funeral home where the wake was being held. Monica walked in with Chandler by her side. In the past few days, he never left it. He couldn't leave Monica alone for fear of what her emotions may cause her to do.

There was Katherine's body. Her dead body was lying in the casket with a look of sadness on her face. At the moment when Monica laid her eyes on the body, she cried. The sight of a person no longer living was a sight no one could bare to witness. When Monica saw her body, she remembered just how much she missed her. Yes, she had only known her for a little more than a week, but she had made an impact on Monica's life: a big one.

Chandler led Monica through the line of people giving their condolences to the immediate family. Finally, when it was her turn, she only saw an older man and his wife. Were these her parents? Maybe her parents could not make it. Nevertheless, Monica shook their hands displaying her sorrow. It was now time to visit the body. "Chandler...I want to do this alone."

"I understand," whispered Chandler as he guided her to the coffin. 

"Kat, hey. . .it's Monica. I-I..am.. I am mad at you. You know that though. How could you just...just end it so quickly? You were my inspiration. Any time that I didn't think I could do it, I thought about you. When I first met you, you made me feel like I was at home...in a place I never wanted to consider home. I miss you so much. I miss our talks and the singing. You had a great voice..." Monica continued to cry, "I love you, and I pray that you are happy up there. I am so happy I had the chance to meet you..." When Monica had said this, she could not take it anymore. Her knees grew weak, and she fell to the floor crying heavily. Immediately, Chandler went to her side and comforted her.

"Oh, Mon. . ." Chandler whispered while hugging her tightly and softly stroking her hair consolingly.

"I can't do this Chandler. I can't pretend to be strong," Monica commented when she had gained some composure.

"I know," Chandler replied, his eyes reddening for two reasons. The death of a patient, and the hurt his "friend" had to endure.

Chandler had continued to care for Monica as the wake progressed. She could not stop crying along with most of the people in that room. Suicide was always tragic because the person always had a reason, and many people wondered if they were a factor. Katherine was the one people would least expect would do this to herself; however, it always was who people least expected.

  
  


The wake had finally ended and people walked toward the church. Couples holding hands, friends hugging, and children skipping not really understanding. The death of a person always put on strain on people. For the entire time, Monica held on to Chandler's hand. Was this open affection going to cause problems? Possibly. Did they care at the moment? No.

There was a distinct line up when entering the church. The immediate family was first and then the rest. First, the pallbearers brought in the casket and then the rest filed into the church taking their seats. As people entered, the choir sang "Amazing Grace" setting the atmosphere. Chandler and Monica had finally taken there seats and again held on to each other for support.

As the service progressed, many cried, many prayed, and many had just listened. Monica had leaned her head onto Chandler's shoulder and listened to what the priest had been saying. It was easy to tell that the priest was hurting; obviously, he had known Katherine. Next, they had called Katherine's best friend to say the eulogy. Monica listened intently.

"All of you are here today to mourn the death of Katherine Sarring, but I don't think a lot of you had really known her. A lot of you are thinking why? She was so filled with life. The truth was that Katherine was not always so filled with life. When she had gotten into heroin, no one wanted to be around her, and people feared what she may do or say, especially her family. She had often told me that since no one cared, she was going to end everything. I told her not to and that she could get help. She didn't at that point. It was not until she severely hurt her brother that she had changed her life around. She had gone to rehab many times before that for a week and then would quit, but it was not until then did she take it seriously. That's when I saw a new Katherine. The one that many of you here today know. One so determined for her family and friends to make it. She was doing great until a few days ago when her family had been in a fatal car accident. The man who had hit them had been intoxicated. Only her father had survived, and he could not be here today because he is in intensive care. Once she had lost her inspiration, she had lost herself and that is why she is in that casket today. When Katherine was having a good day, she was the best person to be around. She loved to have fun, and she could always make the people around her have fun. She was welcoming. I am going to miss her so much. I am going to miss the times she and I went shopping, and when we hung out and had long talks. You are all here because in some way, she has touched your life. She always did that, and it's very hard to see her go. On her behalf, a few of the guys will sing her favourite song. Let us take this time to remember her."

As her friend had finished saying that, three guys had made there way onto the altar and playing the starting chords to, "Good Riddance" by Green Day.

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

At this point, many sobs were heard around the church. Monica couldn't help the tears that had constantly drowned her face. They had really set an amazing mood, and the spirit of Katherine was here: she could feel it.

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

Chandler took Monica's hand into his, comforting her. However, he too could not control the tears which had slowly made their way down his cheeks. This ending is not right, he thought to himself.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

"Everyone, join in," one of the singers yelled with tears in his eyes. All of a sudden, voices were heard: low ones, high ones, squeaky ones. Not one person remained silent as if singing this one song would bring back the one they had lost.

  
  


It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

The congregation was now calm. A moment of silence had been previously announced. Of course, there were many sniffles and sharp breaths; however, everyone tried their hardest to remain quiet.

The priest rambled once again about their loss, did a sign of the cross, and everyone was dismissed for lunch in the Church hall.

Monica and Chandler had decided to skip the lunch and rush back to the centre. Monica could not stand the fact that such a sad ceremony could be followed by such a mellow lunch. Didn't people need time to grieve?

Once in Chandler's office, Monica broke the silence. "Chandler?"

"Yes?" He replied.

"I just wanted to uhh..to thank you for today. You know, being there."Monica expressed softly.

"No need to thank me, Mon. I am just being a "friend"." Chandler smiled. 

"Yeah, I know. I needed a friend. All of my friends either hate me or are sleeping in an alley right now," Monica laughed softly.

"Ha," Chandler smiled, looking into her eyes. Those hurting eyes.

"Chandler, what's happening here?"asked Monica.

"What do you mean?" Chandler asked acting as if he had no idea what she was saying.

"You know what I mean."

Chandler sighed softly, "Yeah, I do."

"What now?" Monica asked slowly as if these two words had so much importance to them. Well, they did, actually.

Chandler hesitated. He really did not know how to respond to her, but before he had to chance to say something, Monica had kissed him. Slowly at first, their lips mingling then more passionate. Abruptly, Chandler ended it. "We can't," he uttered.

"Why?" Monica asked like a child would.

"This is wrong. I am your doctor, and you are my patient. These types of things only happen in movies."

"Well, obviously not," Monica remarked.

  
  


"I have to be professional here. This," he gestured to the two of them, "cannot happen."

"But.."

"No buts. Monica, you are here to recover. How is being with me going to help you in the long run? You will never know whether it was you or..this."

"That's so stupid! Whether you and I are together or not has nothing to do with whether I can recover."

"That is where you are wrong, Monica. It has everything to do with it. You will no longer be fighting for you but for us, and if we break up, then you might..well, you know" Chandler stated, regretting that he had to end it. But, it was the right thing to do, and he knew that.

"I-I don't know what to say. Maybe it will distract me or whatever, but I initially came here for me, and I will leave here fighting this myself. Chandler, whatever I am feeling now...it's so strong that it overpowers me. Every time I see you, my heart beats faster, when you smile, I grin. . . I-I want to be with you. No wait, I need to be with you"

"Now is not the right time. I can't allow myself to play two roles in your life right now. You need a doctor, and you need to recover." Chandler said. This was extremely difficult.

"So, you don't feel anything for me at all, then?" Monica speculated. She knew that it was not true, but she still wanted to be told.

"That is not what I am saying. I just don't think that now is the time." 

"Then, you do want to be with me, right?" Monica asked, a small smile on her face.

"I. . .cannot answer that." Chandler sighed. Why couldn't he just lie and say no? It would make this so much easier.

"I thought so," remarked Monica while looking into his eyes. She saw love in them.

"I think it would be best if you leave." Chandler finally said. He could not take this anymore. The longer she was there, the longer it was to end this.

"If that is what you want," Monica frowned. 

"It is. I will see you tomorrow when we will be meeting with your brother. Also, tomorrow is the beginning of your group sessions. I will be leading it tomorrow, so I suggest you be there, but on your best behaviour. If any of this gets out, I will be fired."

Monica could not help but notice he had returned into his emotionless doctor facade. "Ok," was all that she could say. Finally, she walked out but not before smiling at him one last time. To her surprise, he smiled back. This isn't over, she thought. Not even close.

  
  


Monica entered her room depressed. How could she stay in a room where her friend had committed suicide? When Monica opened the door, the room had looked different. The other side was no longer empty. That had meant one thing- she had a new roommate. 

"Hi, I am Pheobe." The other women greeted while putting out her hand.

****

In the journal, it is written, "And the cycle continues. . ."

TBC

This one was a little longer than usual, but I guess that is a good thing. Please review. I won't lie, reviews help, but it does not mean that the next part will be up soon. It's the stress of being in Garde 12 in Ontario..way too much to do all the time. I will try though.


	8. Part 8

Authors Note: Wow, I take a long time to update. I am so sorry, but only like 4 people reviewed the last chapter, so even though I really was busy, I wasn't motivated to continue anyway. And no, I am not asking for more reviews...well, I guess I am! Even if they are bad. Sure, I will disagree with it, but that's ok. LOL, I am just kidding. I am not particularly proud of this chapter, but that's ok. I am a little reluctant about posting it. Read it anyway. Hahahaha :). 

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; only all the drugs! Muwahahahahahahahah! 

  
  


Monica stared at her new roommate who has dressed in vibrant colours and un matching patterns. Phoebe smiled. This was her first day in here, and she was smiling?? This girl really was on crack. No pun intended, Monica smiled to herself. Monica wondered what brought this woman here. She looked so strong, confident; not confused and frightened like Monica had been on her first day.

"So," Monica started not really knowing what to say.

"You want to know what I am addicted to, don't you?" The woman asked, smiling as she had taken out a purple and pink striped sun dress from her beaten-up suitcase. She eyed it carefully and threw it onto the bed.

"Um, how did you know?"asked Monica slowly, for she was afraid that this woman would snap at her, yet surprisingly, she did not.

"It's a gift," Phoebe laughed. "I am psychic."

"Oh," was all Monica could say. How do you reply to such a crazy response? 

"Anyway, I am not really addicted to anything, but don't tell anyone." Phoebe told Monica in a softer tone. Now, she was seated on her bed, enjoying the comfort of a mattress rather than the comfort of the cement.

"Then why are you here?" 

"It's safer than prison," Phoebe exclaimed as if that explained everything.

"You're a criminal?!" Monica asked incredulously.

"Oh, please," Phoebe giggled, "I live on the streets, and I needed shelter. I had two options: prison or fake an addiction."

"Where did you get the money to be here?" Monica demanded, hoping it wouldn't anger this woman. She could not believe someone would choose to live here.

"Well, my friend Rodney, the crazy rattlesnake guy, had been saving up to get a Porsche, but that really wasn't working out. Those damn things are expensive!" Phoebe yelled, jumping off topic. "So yeah, back to the money thing. He died, and in his street will, he left me his savings. I have enough to stay here for two weeks, so I am here. If anyone asks, I am addicted to shrooms!" 

"Wow, that is. . .quite the story. Anyway, you're secret is safe with me," Monica replied, not wanting to upset her new roommate.

"Well, I have to go. Dr. Bing wants to see me. He is so cute, don't you think?" Phoebe asked not trying to hide the grin on her face.

"I guess," Monica replied slowly not wanting to reveal her true feelings. 

"I was thinking of asking him out in two weeks. I hear he's single." Phoebe continued on. She did not notice Monica's change in expression.

"W-Why would you want to ask him out?" Monica asked. The last thing she needed was competition. 

"Umm, he's hot and so sweet. When I met him, I could feel the connection. I can feel these things, you know. It's the psychic powers that I have. Anyway, ta ta my crazy addict!" After finishing her sentence, Phoebe skipped out of the room.

Monica stood in the middle of her room, stunned. She did not know what to do. She couldn't stop this woman, and she really couldn't stop Chandler. No matter how much she was yearning to. Why did this woman have to show up and ruin everything? Fuck her, the voice in Monica's head screamed. 

  
  


Hours passed and Monica was sleeping in her bed, dreaming. It must have been a fantastic dream, for there was a smile on her face. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and Monica awoke abruptly. "Who's there?" she called out frustrated. 

"It's me," said the voice.

Monica immediately recognized who it was. Quickly, she rose from her bed, opened the door, and stood face to face with Chandler, the man in her dreams. "What are you doing here," Monica asked, trying not to smile. 

"Well, you missed your appointment, and I was worried." Chandler admitted shyly.

"You were worried about me?" Monica asked. She could not help but grin. She tried to look into his eyes, but they were glued to the floor.

"Yeah, I was."

"That's really sweet. I thought you would forget about me after meeting the great Phoebe," commented Monica bitterly. She chose this moment to sit on her bed and look away from him.

"What?"

"She wants you, and she has this crazy idea that you want her too," Monica started, and at this poin,t she stoop up and began to pace. "I mean, it's not like you are mine or anything, and it's not like we're a couple, but I don't want to lose the idea that it could happen. You know, this always happens. Every time I fall for a guy, there's always someone better for him. It's not like I plan for that to happen. It's just so. . ." Monica kept rambling her crazy thoughts until Chandler stopped her.

"Back up there, falling for me?" Chandler asked somewhat surprised. He knew she liked him a lot, but falling. That was just . . . outrageous.

"Yes, falling for you. As in love. You know that four letter word that ruins every ones life? Well, now it has ruined mine too!" Monica expressed.

"I," Chandler attempted to say something in return, "don't like Phoebe like that." Well, it was better than staying silent.

"Well, you probably will, and then you two will get married, and have one of those houses with a white picket fence while I am living in some small apartment, lonely, with a dog named Gulliver! Life really sucks!" Monica couldn't help but talk crazy. She just felt something needed to be said here, and if it doesn't make sense then so be it. 

Chandler really was having a hard time absorbing what she was trying to say. She was hurting; he could see that. However, this was just. . .foolish. "Monica, calm down. First of all, who would ever name their dog Gulliver?" Chandler asked, grinning at her. She was so vulnerable right now. 

Monica couldn't help but let out a small laugh. Maybe that wasn't what she wanted to hear, but it was soothing nonetheless. "Well, my friend Rachel named her dog Lapoo, so anything is possible," Monica smiled.

Chandler couldn't help but laugh. "I guess you're right," he smiled while taking this chance to sit beside her. "You have nothing to worry about," he finally said.

"You mean that?" Monica questioned much like a child who needed to know someone cared.

"Yeah," Chandler responded, taking her small hand into his. "Nothing at all."

Monica entwined her fingers with his. It felt nice being here with him. It was comforting to know that he would be here for her until the end, and she hoped the end would be longer than just this one year.

Chandler sighed. He knew that he shouldn't be this intimate with a patient, but he couldn't help it. It was as if his mind had been overpowered by his heart. And, his heart desperately wanted her. "Why did you miss your appointment?" Chandler asked, trying to change the subject.

"I fell asleep." Monica replied honestly. 

"Ok," Chandler accepted this answer. "But Monica, you're brother is here."

  
  


"Ross?" Monica asked knowing that it was a stupid question, for he was her only brother, but she could not help it.

"Yeah, it's time to get into your personal life. It's time to truly fight this." Chandler announced. "Are you ready?"

"I think I am." Monica answered nervously. It was now or never, right? 

As Monica walked down the hall alongside Chandler, she felt anxious. Her heart was pounding, her mouth was dry, and her hands were sweating profusely. She was finally going to face not only her addiction but also the person who that addiction had created. The emotions that that one drug let out created a monster out of Monica. She lost who she was, who she wanted to be, and who she could have aspired to be. Junkie is the term that her mother used to describe her condition. A word that made the spirit within Monica fade, vanish into the earth's atmosphere. Within seconds, Monica would bring this lifestyle to life once again. A life style that would terrify the average human being if they were to succumb to such a horrible life. What had caused Monica to give in? Had it been the peer pressure, or had it been her? She was about to receive that answer; however, what terrified Monica was what that answer would be.

"Have a seat," Chandler directed in his professional tone. He looked at the man sitting in the other seat "Ross, I know that you and I do know each other, but we have to treat this situation with professionalism. At this time, I am no longer your college roommate but your sister's doctor. Are we clear on that?"

"Yes, I am," Ross replied. He knew this situation was rather ironic, but for Monica's sake and for the sake of his own, he would treat it as normal. Whatever normal meant, anyway.

"Ok, I would like to start by telling you both why you are here. Monica, my personal strategy is not only heal the patients wounds, but also the scars of the family. I like to work through such sessions with two clear point of views. Now, with that being said, I would like to begin. Ross, when did you first realize Monica's addiction?"

"It all started at my 19th birthday bash. My. . .Our parents had thrown me a huge party with all of my family. . ."

*Flashback- around 1988*

All of the guests were seated chatting in the ribbon decorated hall. There were seven round tables filled with people laughing, smiling, hugging, chattering, or just saying nothing. Judy, dressed in a pastel blue sun dress, had made her way to the podium. She had a small paper in her hand. Obviously, she was ready to say a speech on her son's behalf. She had slowly adjusted the microphone to her height and tested it once. When she acknowledged that it had been working, she smiled and looked at her son who was eating cake and conversing with some friends. "Ross," she started, "I wanted to wish you a happy birthday by saying a few words. When my Rossy was five years old, he won his first spelling bee. I remember the smile on his face. . ."

When she had been reminiscing of such a time, many of the guests stared at Ross who was about five deep shades of red. "Mom!" He interrupted, for he was embarrassed.

"Anyway," Judy expressed forcefully, implying that she was ready to continue. "It was at that time when I knew one day my son would make me the proudest mother. His intelligence and his mind always amazed me. . ."

"Wait a minute!!!!" Monica yelled, interrupting her mother's praising. "I won a spelling Bee when I was 6, and you said..'Good work' and then walked away. But Ross gets fucking praise for winning one?! I don't think that's fair. Let me tell you the truth about Ross! He's not this perfect person this woman is making him out to be" Monica spatted out while joining her mom at the podium.

"Monica!" Her mother yelled.

"Don't Monica me, you old hag! Let me finish! Ok, about Ross. A few months ago, I was walking into the house, and I saw him in his room," Monica giggled after this and "stage" whispered, "playing with his wee wee!! Hahahahah! What a great son, right mom! And you know what he was reading?! DAD'S Playboys! Oh, such intelligence. Naked woman."

"Monica stop!!!!" Her mother yelled once more.

"I told you to go away! Stop interrupting me! It's my turn to shine. MY TURN!!!!! And one day, I saw Ross. . ."

"Monica!" her father yelled out. "How could you?! Look at your brother. He doesn't deserve this." Ross was sitting at his table covering his eyes. He was trying to hide the tears of embarrassment that were flowing from his eyes.

  
  


"Oh, so you're saying that he is so great that he doesn't deserve this? Did I deserve all of those years of neglect?! Every time you would hug Ross or tell him how great he was, and not even take a second look at me. Or how you fed me just so that I would never have the chance to talk, and then blame the fact that I got fat on me! Are you saying that I deserved to be treated like a screw-up than a person who makes mistakes and learns from them. It's not fair. It's NEVER fair. You hurt me, you messed ME up! Ross can't do anything wrong, but I can! Did you not hear what I said before about what he was doing to your playboys?! No, because he's too great."

"I apologize for her," Judy told the guests who were all shell-shocked by such an outburst. "This is our problem child."

"There you go again! Labeling me! I don't need you! I don't need any of you! You are all fuckers who don't care about anything but yourselves. You sicken me!" Monica, after finishing her speech, ran our of the hall in tears. 

"I am so sorry, Ross," Judy said.

"Mom! You're just going to let her run?!" Ross, forgetting that Monica had insulted him, ran out of the hall in search for her. As Ross walked down the halls, he would call her name, hoping for a response, but nothing. What happened to his sister? He wondered. . .what happened. . . As he walked passed the bathrooms, he heard someone crying. "Monica?" he called out gently. He chose this moment to open the door, and what he saw was beyond shocking, and it was beyond all of the vulgar words she had said at his party. She was snorting a drug. His sister was getting high. "Monica!!" he screamed, but in a soft voice, so that he would not be heard. "What are you doing?!"

Monica looked at him, her face wet with tears, her eyes, red. She quickly wiped her nose and hid her stash. "Ross! What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he answered in a stern voice. "Monica, how could you?"

"I'm sorry about the speech, I really am. I never should have done that. . .I don't know what came over me. It's like it wasn't me Ross. It wasn't me. I am me now. I am better."

"Just stop. I saw you. . .I saw you putting that stuff..well, you know." Ross stuttered nervously. He never would even think of his sister being involved in such a. . .such a thing.

"You saw that. . ." Monica restated. "I can explain, Ross. A friend, yes, a friend gave this to me. This is the first time, I swear. I tried to stop myself, really I did, but I couldn't. And when I said those things, I needed more. But I'll stop ok? I am not addicted. I'll stop, I swear." This of course was a lie, but lucky for Monica, Ross believed it.

"Ok," he voiced softly. "Just don't. . .don't do it again, ok?"

"Ok," Monica assured, and she hugged him to prove this. While she was in his arms, he knew that she was telling the truth. Ross could feel it.

"And I am not going to forgive you for a while for what you said in there." Ross stated honestly, breaking the hug.

"I know." Monica nodded.

"But I still love you, ok?"

"I know that too." Monica smiled. 

"I am going to get back to the party, and I hope everyone has settled down. I want you there for the rest of it, so that I can keep an eye on you. You will not speak to anyone." Ross told her in a fatherly voice.

"Ok," Monica replied.

"Good. I want you to flush that down the toilet."

"I will." When she saw that he was waiting for her to do so, she commented, "Ross, I'll do it. You can trust me. Just go back. I have to fix my make up."

"Ok," Ross agreed slowly. He was unsure of whether he should trust her in this state, but he also didn't want to anger her.

  
  


"Five minutes." After his last order, Ross left the bathroom. Monica was alone again. She looked in the mirror and stared at herself. She wasn't proud of tonight. She then looked down at the few grams of cocaine that she had left. Slowly, she walked over to the toilet and dropped the small container into the water. When she reached for the handle to make this final, she stopped. She couldn't do this. She placed her hand into the toilet and held the container again. She quickly ripped some toilet paper and dried it off. Looking around to make sure no one was there, she put the case back into her purse. Who was she kidding? She needed this stuff to live.

*End of Flashback*

Monica cried when she heard this story about her past. She even added in that she had not flushed the case of coke down the toilet. She regretted it. She regretted not trying to stop then. When she looked over at her brother, she could see the tears in his eyes. He was hurting. Gently, Monica reached over and took his hand into hers. "I am so sorry, Ross. I am sorry I said those things, and I am sorry I lied. I am so so so so sorry," she sobbed. "I love you so much, and I know I didn't show it. Oh god, I didn't show it at all, but I do. . .love you."

"I can't," Ross expressed. "I can't forgive you right now. For that. For everything"

This made Monica cry even more. "I know," she told him seriously. Who would forgive her for this? 

"You lied to me. I trusted you, and you lied. I can't continue right now. I have to go. I can't be with her. I thought I could do this, but I can't I'm sorry, Chandler."

He was gone.

Monica stared at his retreating figure and cried. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "So sorry," she whimpered. "Chandler?" she whispered after a few minutes.

"Yeah?" Chandler questioned. He was overwhelmed by what he had just heard and how vulnerable she was.

"Do you hate me?" she asked, tears streaming down her face. She made no attempt to push them aside.

"No," he breathed. "Not at all."

"Good." She muttered. "Can I go?"

"Yeah, if you feel you have to."

"I just need to think about some things." She confided. Monica knew that he would understand.

"Go," he said. "We'll continue this later."

"Thanks." Monica got up from her chair and walked out of his office not even looking at him one last time. She couldn't look at anyone right now. She couldn't face another look of disappointment.

When she walked into her room, she noticed that Phoebe was not there. Good, she thought. She needed to be alone. She carefully walked to her bed, and she allowed her body to rest on it. She then turned on her radio, and "Morning Star" by AFI came on.  
  
I saw a star beneath the stairs 

glowing through the melting walls. 

Who will be the first to begin their fall?

Or will we become one? 

Monica walked to the window and looked outside as the lyrics were being sung. She could feel what this singer was expressing. She felt it in her heart.

Am I the star beneath the stairs? 

Am I a ghost upon the stage?

Am I your anything?

When she looked outside, she saw Phoebe talking to Chandler as he was leaving. They were smiling.

I saw a star beneath the stairs 

glowing bright before descent 

and in the morning there is nothing left 

but what's inside of me. 

Monica felt her heart beat faster when Phoebe touched his arms. Chandler smiled again. Didn't like her? She was finding those words hard to believe. He must have lied to her.

Am I the star beneath the stairs? 

Am I a ghost upon the stage?

Am I your anything?

Monica began to cry as she realized that she probably lost him. Her fucking past ruined her chances of ever finding love- the one thing everyone needed in life. And what he had heard was one of the better stories. He would surely hate her when he knew everything.

And I don't want to die tonight;

will you believe in me? 

And I don't want to fall into the light. 

Will you wish upon? 

Will you walk upon me? 

I don't want to die tonight. 

She looked into the sky, and saw a star shining as if it were independent from the others. She wished that this hurt would stop. When the music had gotten louder and the singer was shouting his pain, she walked to the sink. It was still there: the razor.

Will you believe in me tonight?  
Am I the star beneath the stairs? 

Am I a ghost upon the stage?

Am I your anything?

Monica eyed it carefully. This took away Katherine's pain. It helped her. She looked out of the window once again. They were still talking and laughing. She was nothing to him. He didn't care... he never did.

As Monica brought the razor to her wrist, someone walked into her room. "Monica," they protested. "Don't do this."

Monica looked at this person. She was stunned. Once again, she looked at the razor which was lightly touching her wrist.

TBC

Well, I stuck a cliffhanger on this one. Tell me what you thought. I will, if the demand if there, write the next chapter by the end of the week. If not, I'll do my homework. *dances around singing* Have fun. Oh, and if you can, download that song I posted the lyrics to. It's really good! :) I am also guessing no one knows it. :)


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